Drew Carey, the famous stand-up comedian turned actor and game show host, proposed to his fiancé back in October of 2007 and now, eight months later, fans are still waiting for a set wedding date – a wedding seemingly made for a the fat performer.

Carey, who has worked his way up through the celebrity ranks since retiring from the Marines more than two decades ago, has been getting overwhelmingly positive reviews after taking Bob Barker’s post on the Price is Right and the show, despite being a dinosaur in television years, has managed to climb in ratings. Now, with his post as host locked down, fans ask: “Will Drew Carey and Nicole Jaracz finally tie the knot this summer?”

Carey, who is deemed overweight and obese by some critic circles, has managed to fend off the societal stigma against fat people while at the same time gaining a reputation for his ability to mow through giant dinner portions. That insatiable appetite may meet its match with his bride-to-be. Jaracz has said, “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Coincidently, she is a trained and practiced chef who recently graduated from culinary school. Friends close to the couple have said the young cook thinks Carey is a dream come true and she finds him irresistibly handsome. She has long thought that fat is beautiful.  

There has been much speculation on the two lovebirds and their unreleased wedding plans, as 50-year-old Carey, who has worked in both movies and television, grows in fame. One thing is for certain, say insiders, the food served at the reception will be “out of this world” and the cake will be “unbelievably good.” In a statement regarding the engagement, publicist Christina Papadopoulos wrote, “It will be the first marriage for both. No date for a wedding has been set yet. They are both very happy and excited about their future together.”

A recent study may have discovered the five strongest components of a successful date. The yearlong, privately-funded study asked over 200 singles that age old question: “What makes a successful date?”

“For the study, we asked 200 people the same question,” said Howard Sampson, company spokesperson. “Although they all have their specific quirks, people, for the most part, have common likes and dislikes when it comes to dating and, as far as we can tell, a successful date has a lot less to do with looks than we expected. In fact, physical features were rarely considered in the answers.”

1.)    Be yourself. People who fake their way through dates are very rarely successful. Singles reported dates that made outlandish claims, made up stories or pretended to be rich. This, for both men and women, was a turnoff.

2.)    Aim for dates with similar people. This allows people to feel at ease and comfortable. The report recommends community-based websites that allow them to pre-select and screen potential dates rather than getting “set up” by a friend or struggling to find someone in the uncontrolled setting of a nightclub.

3.)    Talk less, listen more. The study found that people who asked questions and listened intently to responses were much more successful than those who took a more selfish approach to the conversation and talked the whole time.

4.)    Flirt. The somewhat secret craft of flirting is very difficult to muster. It involves the delicate combination of romance and slightly sexual, but subtle advances that show interest while keeping a certain distance. Though not everyone can master flirting, the report recommends people should at least compliment their dates.

5.)    Dress appropriately. Results showed that people who overdressed often faired as poorly as those who underdressed. Since most first dates should be relatively casual, studies show dates are much more successful for those who find that middle line sometimes referred to as “casually dressy.” The way people dress relays attitude and personality.

We’ve all done it. Maybe we’re talking on our cell, punching out a text or searching our MP3 player for the right song. Maybe we’re daydreaming, lost in thought or even relatively focused. We reach for the door and push, only to be stopped hard in our tracks. Confused, we pull on the handle to no avail. Most of us will push again. Then, usually in small lettering, we read, “please use other door.” More often than not, the “other door” is directly adjacent, part of the French-door-styled ensemble popularly used as entrances.

Some of these doors don’t even give us the courtesy of the “please use other door” sign. Sure, signage will instruct in two or three languages that we must pull or push. There’s a blaring “open” sign or some poster about beer specials. There might even be business hours hanging from a suction cup on the inside, but, alas, nothing that tells us which door they want us to use. Experienced with doors, we usually figure it out. We find the unlocked door as easily as a trained rat finds the cheese in some cardboard maze, complete with scientists hovering over with white lab coats, clipboards and smug smirks.

What’s amazing is these doors continually get built day after day with no obvious purpose. Sure, there are hinges and handles. They are doors and yet, for whatever reason, building owners want only one out of two possible ports to actually work as a door. It’s as if they want to funnel their customers in like oil into an engine, careful not to spill a single drop.

Logically, architects and engineers would by now understand that the double door system is not very cost effective. The price of a door is much higher than the cost of a wall and, to top it off, the amount of energy loss through a door is astronomical in comparison to a solid, insulated wall. So the only possible explanation to this rash of locked doors is undoubtedly based in some experiment. Scientists are hiding behind hidden camera with white lab coats, clipboards and smug smirks. It’s probably some sort of test to judge human patience or problem solving abilities. One thing’s for sure, they laugh every time we’re stopped in our tracks.

History is in the making as candidates duke their way to the finish line of the 2008 presidential elections and although all three contenders have the potential of setting some ground breaking “firsts,” they will certainly have trouble catching up to the nation’s record setting 27^th president – the fattest in U.S. history.

Between Senator Barack Obama’s hope to be the first black president and Senator Hillary Clinton’s attempt to be the first female president, American voters are biting their nails in anticipation of the upcoming November elections. The two democratic front-runners aren’t the only candidates with a potential record-setting agenda. Senator John McCain, the republican contender, could just as easily end up in the captain’s chair at the oval office. He certainly wouldn’t be the first rich white guy in the driver’s seat, but his wife would go down in history as the first first lady with a criminal record for her involvement with pain killers, theft and fraud.

Although potential candidates are poised to set symbolic trend-setting records, they may have trouble committing as many “firsts” as William Howard Taft. At 332 pounds, he overcame the stigma that, even in 1909, came with being overweight. Growing up in Ohio, he was often chastised for his size. His nickname in high school was “Big Lub.” He overcame the societal pressure and went onto become president in 1913.

Taft only served one term as president but his list of “firsts” is seemingly endless. While in office, he was the first and only president to get stuck in a White House bathtub. Later, he was the first president to install extra large bathtubs in the White House. He was the first and only president to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He was the first president to throw the first baseball of the season. He was the first president to own a car. He was the first president to be considered a pacifist for his strong beliefs in world peace and his funeral was the first to be broadcast on radio. The list goes on. He even has some “lasts.” Taft was the last president to have facial hair and, because he loved fresh milk so much, he was the last president to keep a cow on the White House lawn.

I recently woke my Nintendo from its long, secluded hibernation in a cardboard box. I hooked it up to my semi-modern T.V and, with nothing more than Super Mario World or Paperboy to choose from, I immediately went for that old-time favorite – everybody’s beloved, little Italian plumber in red overalls and a bushy mustache.

Can you guess what happened when I hit power? First the red light just blinked and, after adjusting the television to channel three, I realized the TV screen was blinking too. So, I took out the cartridge and gave it a good, fire-starting breath of diaphragm-pushed air that ripped through that little gray box like a tornado. I then gave the same treatment to the console. I popped the cartridge back in and, sure enough, it was still blinking.

Having worn several Nintendos into the grave, there was no question as to what I should do next. It was time for a little Nintendo magic. I took the game out again, made sure my lips were dry, and gave it another burst of air. I carefully put it back in and bounced it up and down on that little internal spring. I hit reset three times while talking quietly to the Nintendo and visualizing Mario on his quest to save the princess.

I envisioned Mario racing through a world where there is no return; a world where one must always go forward. I toggled the power button like a maniac, prayed to King Koopa and, finally, let go.

It worked. It has been probably 15 years since I last played a Nintendo and yet the magic was still there. Like Peter Pan’s pixie dust, a little huffing, puffing and visualization got her purring like a classic Corvette and, oh yes, Mario came alive on the screen. The world, blessed with flagpoles, castles, menacing mushroom-shaped monsters and an endless supply of bottomless pits was once again at my fingertips.

Mario hasn’t changed. There was once a time when my daring little plumber raced through the dungeons in search of the princess without even the slightest hint of fear in his heart and now, years later, he still charges through the land with that same zest for heroics. Years later, Mario still charges onward without the slightest sign of worry. He cares not that there’s no turning back.

As I look to my future with hopes and aspirations as bright as an invincibility star, I realize there really is no turning back. Sure, I can go back a few paces and sniff around but, really, the past is nothing but a memory. There is no reset button. There is no continue. There are no green, one-up mushrooms. I’ve learned from Mario’s fearless approach to the unseen future and his ability to ignore the unreachable past. I look to the future with the eyes of our heroic plumber.

I just hope there will be a little Nintendo magic along the way.

Everybody knows Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson have a lot in common, ranging from their unyielding appetites, round bellies and, above all, incompetence. In fact, sometimes the list of detailed similarities borders on the absurd. Besides arguing about which show is better, rival fans have long debated on which program is stealing scripts and ideas. Given that Homer was born first, it’s hard to deny he’s the original fat, dumb dad. However, there is a vast difference between Homer of the past and Homer of the present. It seems these two have fused together, meeting the demands of the nation. Here are three absurd similarities:

1.) Same Work History: Although Homer Simpson has always managed to hold onto his position as Safety Inspector of Sector 7-G at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he has also had a long history of money making schemes and temporary jobs that go beyond his shift at the radiation factory. Peter also has a spotty history of money making schemes and odd jobs but, of his many positions at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory, his most consistent was his title as Safety Inspector.

2.) Nearly the Same IQ: Sure, everybody knows Homer and Peter are dolts but not everyone realizes their IQ’s are nearly equal. Arguably Peter is dumber than Homer because Homer actually has an IQ score where as, according to doctors, Peter is immeasurably stupid. When doctors tried to rate Peter’s intelligence, they discovered he was lower than the chart allows. He was designated “Petarded.” Homer is inherently stupid thanks to the “Simpson Gene,” but other factors, including ceaseless head trauma and exposure to radiation, are a major component. In fact, Homer’s low intelligence is mostly due to a crayon lodged in his frontal lobe (reducing his IQ by 50 points). The reality is both Peter and Homer hover around brain dead. The fact that their cartoon hearts continue to pump is amazing.

3.) Names Arguably Rooted in Fiction: In human history, Homer is an ancient Greek epic poet that may have written the Iliad and the Odyssey. Many modern scholars, however, are skeptical that the poet ever actually existed and, through scrupulous research, it has become evident that the two famous poems were actually handed down through the ages via verbal lore. The Apostle Peter, also known as Saint Peter, not only broke bread with Jesus, but also went on to establish churches and spread the word of God – a story that has been handed down for over 2,000 years. Like the allegedly fictitious poet named Homer, many modern scholars argue that religion is fiction.